


Give Me My Sin Again

by Rikuya



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Future Fic, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-05-01 01:56:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5187764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rikuya/pseuds/Rikuya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the era when love is a sin,<br/>but Dan and Phil fall in love despite the rules.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Give Me My Sin Again

**Author's Note:**

> From the prompt : A future time when love is illegal/considered a disease. You can only be with the person assigned to you- but two characters fall in love despite the rules.  
> [http://auideas.tumblr.com/post/68836521075/dystopia-love-au-a-future-time-when-love-is]

 

It always rains in London, or, where it used to be London.

District I is a place where the government called the top class District, where you'll find the lowest crime rate, highest occupation rate and the highest GNP -- or you can call it "Utopia", a word invented about six-hundred years ago.

But Dan never understand the overall of the District well, maybe because he's home-schooled, or it's just because he's weird, well, maybe the latter. In his opinion, District I is way too gloomy, too systematic, too _cold_. He can sit in the cafe downstairs and stares at the people passing by all day. Like the people who greet each other politely with a smile, the people who are well-mannered and well-dressed, or the people who are always cheerful but always alienated from others. He can sit there all day and wonder, what makes them satisfied, and why they are always that happy, or if they are just hiding it really well that others can't see in public.

Sometimes, there are police sirens, piercing the silence and pleasant neighborhood, and Dan can just watch the police patrol cars rushing by on the main street, wondering why there are always sirens. Because if District I has a low crime rate, so why there's always police cars screeching in the darkness of midnight?

He wonders, but he doesn't say. He doesn't talk to anybody about his thought.

Dan Howell has a lot of weird thoughts like this.

Like the standard Digital Citizen ID-band, also a communicator, a research device and a watch, which trapped his left wrist, is actually a governmental monitor which they use to control people's lives; like all the data that they present the resident are actually fake; like everything they've known for their entire life is a total lie.

He's probably going to pay for it someday, so Dan never speaks to anybody about it. However, he's still going to observe the world, and trying to figure out answers, just for his own curiosity.

Like now, he was standing in front of the huge window in the lounge, staring at the raindrops sliding down the walls of the skyscrapers across the street, and wondering if there's ever a day in the history where people actually enjoy the rainy seasons.

"I'm home," His roommate called out as the front door slammed close with a loud noise, and Dan jumped at the sound, but the first thing he blurted out was so unexpected that he didn't even have time to stop himself.

"Do you know it used to be called London?"

Phil Lester, his roommate and best friend, was too busy setting the shopping bags down at the kitchen counter, "Huh? What used to be?"

"District I," Dan didn't even have the idea why he continued this conversation, he should laugh it off, and he should just go back to his normal life, "it used to be called London."

Phil smiled at him while putting everything in the fridge in the correct space, "Okay, did you make it up? That's a good name by the way, I'll give you that."

Dan sighed, "Never mind,"

"You seemed down though, what's wrong?" Phil was looking at him with a genuinely concerned expression, and Dan's heart, he didn't know why, did that thing which it skipped a beat when he stared into Phil's ocean blue eyes.

"Nothing, really." Dan pulled an awkward smile, "It's one of those days."

"Okay," Phil nodded, clearly not believing him, but didn't say anything.

Dan flopped down on one of the bar stools, his chin touching the cold surface of their breakfast bar, staring at his ID-band, suddenly murmured, "Don't you ever feel like...that there's something wrong?"

Phil gave him a confused look, "Huh?"

He stared at the blinking blue light, "Actually, you know what, and it feels like everything is wrong. Like it's not _natural_ for us to behave this way,"

"Dan,"

"I mean," Dan continued, ignoring Phil's respond, "Don't you ever feel like we are in a cage, monitored by something else... _controlled_ by something else. Are you really happy to be this way?"

Phil sighed, "We shouldn't be questioning, you know."

"I'm just curious." Dan raised his head, "Is this what we should believe in? That we are perfectly happy, following a system like a bunch of worker bees?"

Phil closed the fridge, his blue eyes reflecting the ceiling lights, "We were taught that way, but maybe this is the reason we are not like District XI or XII."

"But that doesn't make this...system, better," Dan frowned, “it's unnatural."

Phil remained silence, sensing that Dan wasn't done yet.

"And," Dan looked into Phil's eyes, observing the different shades of blue swirling around his pupil, "we are running out of time."

"Of what?"

Dan smiled bitterly, sensing that constant, familiar ache in his chest whenever he thought about the same thing, "You are leaving me in one year."

"It's not like we are going to leave each other forever." Phil sighed, "You know we can still contact each other between now and then."

Dan threw his hands in the air in frustration, "Yeah, but you will always have important things to do, more important than talking to a past friend, like, making babies with a woman you don't even _know_ about."

Phil, closing his eyes and re-opening them, "Yeah, it's like a mission, I think about it sometimes too." He shrugged, "I always wonder what _'love'_ feels like, you know. People say it is a sin all the time, but I don't get it."

The lump in his throat was back again. Dan swallowed, feeling the ache turned into a type of pain that hurt him every time when his heart beats. It was blocking his breathes, making him tear-up in a millisecond, and he doesn't even know why.

"Dan?" Phil was in front of him this time, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," He breathed out, inhaling deeply, "I'm okay."

"Just," Phil sighed, "don't think about this. We'll make it. I won't forget you, I can promise that."

"Me too," Dan could feel his eyes watering when Phil turned around to the stove, "me too, Phil."

 

 

It was still raining at 2:00 am, Dan was still wide awake. The sound of raindrops hitting the glass panel was even more annoying than usual. The blue light on his wrist band is still blinking, a constant reminding of his surroundings and the fact of him being alive.

He raised his hand to touch his bare chest, feeling his heart knocking against his rib cage in the dead silence of the night. It was not till he started to scroll down the holoweb when he realized there was a small green light beside Phil's name, indicating Phil was also awake at this moment.

Dan stared at the call button for a long minute, and then hesitantly pressed it.

'Dan?'

"Hey," he put his wrist beside his ear, snuggling into the blanket to get into a more comfortable position, "why aren't you asleep?"

'Honestly? I couldn’t.' Phil's voice was deeper than usual, 'You brought quite a deep topic today, and I couldn't stop thinking about it.'

Dan huffed out a laugh, "Welcome to my world. Youare now officially in team existential crisis, mate."

He heard Phil chuckled over the line, 'Well, Dan, so you are admitting it's all your fault?'

Dan rolled his eyes in a fond way, "Yeah yeah, you can say whatever you want. But you know what?"

'What?'

"Since we are both staring at the ceiling and doing nothing at all, why don't we continue that discussion?"

'Through the phone?'

"Why not," Dan smiled, "it's too cold to go out anyways."

Phil laughed, 'Only you would call your roommate and have a conversation just on the other side of the wall.'

"That's me," Dan said smugly.

'So, what do you wanna talk about?'

Dan closed his eyes, rolling onto his side, "About...you said you wanna know what 'love' feels like."

'What about it?' Phil's voice was gentle, particular soothing in the darkness.

"What do you think?" Dan whispered, "About love. What do you think it feels like?"

Phil was silent for a long moment, and when he finally spoke, he whispered back, 'Like _home_.' he said, 'I think you know what I mean, don't you? It's like...you once said you don't feel like belonging to anywhere, what if "love” can complete that hole in our chests?'

Dan's eyes snapped open, his hand moved to touch his chest again, "You feel that too?"

'What?'

"...That certain ache in your chest," Dan answered in a quiet voice, "you can't get rid of it, can't do anything about it, you just feel that every time when you see a certain person,"

Phil was silent for a long time again.

Dan waited, and waited, and he finally realized the green light beside Phil's name had switched to yellow, indicating that he fell asleep.

He huffed, but didn't hang up. He just lay there, listening to the peaceful breathes of Phil, and his eyes were watering up again.

"If..."He whispered, like a prayer, "If that's what 'love' really feels like..."

Dan swallowed down the lump in his throat, and he continued.

"I think... _I love you_ , Phil Lester."

 

 

He never understands it.

Whether it's the physical pain in his chest or it's the increasing rate of his heart-beat, or even it's his continuous attention to Phil for no particular reason.

Dan never understands the reason behind any of them, or he never truly understood until that midnights chat between him and Phil. Those feelings always occurred to him as a mirage, as something obscure and unclear, but painful, yet so precious and pleasant. It never really reflected as "love" to him, but it's mainly because he never gets a _chance_ to know the definition of love.

He had read books that he knew he shouldn't read, he had known things that he knew he shouldn't know. His parents loved each other despite the rules, even though they were matched together by the government. Dan believed there are more couples out there who grew more intimate as time passes, and maybe that's the reason why people seem so happy sometimes when he watches them across the street.

Dan Howell sees things differently.

He knows, he realizes, he feels.

He _understands._

 

 

"' _Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn._ '"*

They were sitting in the lounge, the rain still hadn't stopped, and Dan just blurted out in the middle of the news.

"Huh?" Phil turned his head, those blue eyes staring right into Dan's brown ones, like a lake right after rainfall.

"It's...from a very old play." Dan murmured, "I was wondering why 'love' is considered as a sin, is...' _illegal_ '. Maybe that's why, you know? It can be damaging, it can be sad, it can be everything bad in the whole damn world. And the world just sees those elements."

He cleared his throat for one second, and continued, "But...but when we never understand the definition of 'love', or, when we only understand a portion of it, the...negative portion of it...we'd never understand the bright side of 'love' too."

Dan's heart was beating faster and faster, like a no-stopping warning bell, raging inside his chest.

"And, and biology could never explain the physical pain I feel in my chest, when all I want to do is..."

He made a choking sound, tears burning inside his eyes, and he kept telling himself that he couldn't cry, at least not now.

"Dan, if you don't..."

"I have to say it," Dan smiled, "I have to.’Cause you didn't hear it the other night."

He took a deep breath and carried on, "When all I want to do, is be with _you_. Phil."

Dan didn't know what he was expecting. Whether it's confusion, irritation or some other things coming from Phil, he for sure would not be surprised.

However, Phil just leaned over, and kissed him on the lips.

It's like a misty morning in fall, like that one maple leaf touching the ground after the first snowfall, like every word and every word describing " _home_ ".

"I thought I was dreaming," Phil said after he pulled back, fingers caressing the back of Dan's hand, "I didn't completely fell asleep when you said you love me, actually, but I was so convinced that might've been mistaken."

"So you never mentioned it?" Dan asked quietly.

Phil nodded, "It's very painful, Dan, knowing that I could have you but I never will, that I'm running out of time, that _we_ are running out of time."

"That's what I said..."

"Yeah, but I'm too afraid to say it," Phil sighed, "I'm too much of a coward to actually say it. I love you. I always knew that I would fall in love with you no matter what the circumstance is. And that's in which I don't even know what does 'love' actually means, but I just know."

Dan reached over, tangling their fingers together, "Yeah, I know. I know. "

They stayed there, cuddling together for awhile, until Dan squeezed Phil's hand again, "' _Love is heavy and light, bright and dark, hot and cold, sick and healthy, asleep and awake -- it's everything except what it is._ '"*

"Is that from the old play too?" Phil whispered, smiling.

Dan nodded, moving even closer to Phil, "What do we do now?"

"I don't know," Phil pulled the brown-eyed boy into his arms, "but I do know one thing,"

"Hmm?"

"You are all I have now; I'm not letting you go, Dan."

Dan, smiling and crying at the same time, tilted his head up and kissed his Phil.

 

 

Dan woke up in the middle of the night for the first time in his whole life not feeling empty anymore. The hollowness in his chest was gone, replaced by a steady, peaceful feeling of contentment and love.

He nuzzled further into Phil's embrace, curling himself toward Phil even more.

It's warm.

Warm enough to feel like home.

Everything Dan once hated is now something he doesn't mind, like the scent of rain, like the annoying chirping of birds outside, like his own heartbeat.

He felt that his heartbeat was synchronizing with Phil's, a constant signal of they are still okay.

They are still alive.

"Why're you 'wake?" Phil murmured above him, still sounding sleepy, "Go back to sleep."

"'kay,"

Closing his eyes, Dan felt his eyes started to water again as he slowly drifted off.

 

 

It continued to rain for the rest of the week.

Dan was, like his normal self, rolling on the floor when Phil closed the front door.

And of course, soon enough, Phil was looking down at him before he could get up properly.

"What are you doing?"  Phil smiled at him, "and good news, the heater should be working again by tomorrow."

He made an appreciative noise, turned around to properly face Phil, "Compare to that though, I wish it would stop raining,"

Phil shrugged, "The weather report said it will probably stop by tomorrow or something,"

"Sure, believe the weather report." Dan rolled his eyes and got up from the ground, "Any plans though? Assuming we are believing the weather forecast."

Phil answered fondly, pulling him into his arms, "I'm taking you somewhere."

"Huh?" His face broke into a smile as he come to realization of what Phil had said, "Is this a date, Philly?"

The older man kissed him on the tip of his nose, "Yeah, it is, Danny boy."

 

 

The rain did stopped.

For the first time in a long, gloomy month, the grey sky of District I woke up in a color of azure, not even a single cloud in sight.

Dan stood on the balcony, looking down at the view of skyscrapers and streets, avenues and roads intersecting the district. It's always busy, filled by different automobiles and people, but it's always systematic, too.

He could practically see how many cars had passed that one single traffic light, one by one, following an invisible order. It's like every single routine day of the district.

"It's dead." Dan blurted out when Phil come out of the lounge, eyes still watching the rushing of cars filling the street.

"Huh?"

"The district." He said, "It's not alive. It's not breathing. Even the sky is clear and the light comes up, it's still _dead_. Everything is the same. I always wondered what we are missing, and now I know,"

Phil stayed silence, waiting for the next sentence.

"We don't have passion anymore."

Dan turned around, "We don't have love."

Phil, not saying a word, simply stepped forward and hugged him, "We can't change what they think, what they decide, the structure had been existing for hundreds of years and no one had ever stepped up...or there was, but we just never know."

"It's too sad to think about," Dan murmured against Phil's neck, "I wish I can do something, you know."

"I know." Phil held him closer, "Me too."

 

 

It was dark when Phil finally dragged Dan out of their apartment, and Dan didn't even know where they were going.

The sceneries rushed pass outside of the cab window, when they got out of the car they were near the river, and Phil is leading the way to the big wheel.

"Are you taking me to the Ferris wheel?" Dan blinked, slightly shocked.

Phil smiled at him, "Surprise?"

Dan nodded, "Kind of, yeah."

They got into the small cabinet, and as it rose, the glowing lights of the skyscrapers slowly melted into a thousand stars, reflecting in his eyes.

"...London Eye."

"Hmm?"

"It used to be called London Eye." Dan murmured, "They get rid of all the names, all the meanings, and what's left is...darkness and dullness and...

" _Death_."

Phil sighed, reaching out his hand to gently turn Dan's face around to face him instead of outside, "Stop thinking about it, at least for now,"

"Okay." Dan responded, leaning into the touch, letting Phil's touch sooth his aching heart.

The cabinet continued to raise higher, and everything became like a blur outside, bright lights of different streets connecting together like a blueprint of fantasy. Phil leaned in to kiss him when it got to the highest point, lights and stars and everything reflecting in his ocean blue eyes. It was so precious, so relaxing and felt like an eternity in one second, like fireworks and shooting stars happening at the same time, like hope and happiness and everything he ever wanted.

" _...You're one of the lights,_ " Dan said in a trembling tone when they pulled apart, fingers tangling together and eyes shining with tears.

"Umm?"

" _The light of all lights._ "** He choked out the words, "Thank you, Phil, I love you."

"I love you too." Phil smiled, and their cabinet started to lower, the beautiful starlight of District I, or, _London_ , disappearing from their eyes.

 

 

"Hello internet, my name is Dan Howell.

"You might not know me, or may know me tomorrow, or maybe you'll never know, but that doesn't matter.

"I just got reported to the high court of District I for involving in a unacceptable relationship with my roommate, best friend, and the love of my life, Phil Lester.

"And this video may get deleted any minute, but the point of this is me telling you, every one of you out there, that love is _acceptable_. That love is a beautiful thing, the _best_ thing that ever existed in the history of humanity. Most of our population in District I doesn't even know the meaning of love. And what is love, actually? It doesn't have an precise meaning, I can't tell you that. But I can tell you what it feels like.

"If you ever have that pain in your chest when you think of someone, if you ever, feel the urge to just hug or kiss someone, or if...if you ever think that someone is the brightest light in your life, that's love.

"If you ever feel saved, or surrounded by warmth, or feel like comfort and home, that's love.

"And there's a verse in an old play that's long lost in the river of time, it goes like this,

"' _Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs; Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes; Being vexed, a sea nourished with loving tears. What is it else? A madness most discreet, A choking gall, and a preserving sweet_.'*

"It may not be all pleasant, it may be violent, it may be sinful, it may be sad, hurt and so painful that you can't handle it, but it is worth it, I promise. The past few weeks had been the happiest time in my entire life. I've never feel so contended.

"We been in this situation for god knows how long, and I believe there are people like me out there but they just don't know how to deal with this. Together we might make a change, maybe not today, maybe not this year, but maybe somewhere in the near future.

"This video may be take down in no time, but if you are watching this, spread the word, spread the feelings, and spread the message that we deserve the freedom to love, again."

Dan held his left hand up to the camera, and take off his wrist band -- which currently had a red light on instead of blue -- He smiled, and waved again,

"I'm pretty sure that I'll not live till the day that District I removes the law, and I for sure won't see it by my own eyes. But if this message is delivered, we'll have our freedom to love. And I'm a hundred percent sure that I do not regret to love the man I love.

"So here, is to our brighter future.

"This is Dan Howell. Goodbye internet."

 

 

"Daniel James Howell, are you in love with Philip Michael Lester?"

He raised his head, tears were shining in his eyes, like the sea of lights from millions of skyscrapers when he and Phil looked down from the top of London Eye once upon a time.

He doesn't need a lie detector, he is not afraid, he had no regrets.

" _Yes_."

He said.

And it continued to rain.

 

 

 

END

**Author's Note:**

> * from _Romeo and Juliet_ , William Shakespeare  
> ** from _Dracula_ , Bram Stoker
> 
> Title from _Romeo and Juliet_


End file.
